S6 EP5 | Generational Patterns: 4 Steps to Becoming a Cycle Breaker
We are inclined to repeat negative, toxic generational patterns unless we make a conscious decision to become a cycle breaker.
It’s not easy. It takes owning our own behavior and tending to our need for healing.
But God is good. And he will restore what is broken and you journey in faith through these 4 steps Carla shares.
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Breaking the Cycle: 4 Steps
Carla outlines practical steps to become a cycle breaker and change the trajectory of generational patterns.
1. Recognize and Acknowledge Destructive Behavior
Face and confess negative behaviors for God's mercy.
2. Learn New Coping Strategies
Emotional regulation is KEY. Seek therapy and learning coping skills to avoid provoking children negatively.
3. Know God's Word
Don’t underestimate the transformative power of SCRIPTURE. Internalize God's Word for better parenting.
4. Pray for the Next Generation
Prayer is absolutely essential for healing and guiding the next generation - look to biblical examples like:
Job
The Israelites
Mary and Joseph
Inner work is essential to break generational patterns.
Transformation is possible through acknowledgment, learning, scriptural knowledge, and prayer.
Affirming Truth - I am not my parents; I will change the trajectory of my family by changing my behavior.
Key scriptures:
Proverbs 28:13:
"He that covereth his sin shall not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them shall have mercy."
Ephesians 6:4:
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
2 Timothy 3:16-17:
"All scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work."
2 Corinthians 5:17:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things are passed away. Behold, new things have come."
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TRANSCRIPT
[00:00:00] Carla Arges: Hey friends, welcome to Affirming Truths. I'm your friend and host, Carla Arges. This show is a safe place to share our struggles, grow in faith, and root our identity in Christ. My hope is that you will leave each episode feeling encouraged in your journey. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode and it would mean the world to me if you would leave a review.
[00:00:30] Carla Arges: I am so glad you're here. Let's get started. Hey friends, it's Carla here. Welcome to this episode of Affirming Truth. We are going to get a little heavy today. This is an important topic, and I want to remind you that everything always ends with hope. Right? So as we get into this, Don't be discouraged, [00:01:00] don't be defeated, but learn and grow and remember that God got you and He can rewrite any story.
[00:01:11] Carla Arges: So what are we talking about today? We are talking about how to break generational patterns off in your family. I'm going to give you four tips, but let's talk about these generational patterns. And I'm going to be honest with you guys. I don't believe in generational curses over believers. I believe once you are saved, any curses, any chains, anything like that are broken off of you.
[00:01:41] Carla Arges: You are not a child of God, subject to a curse of the enemy. And so I want you to keep in mind that what we're going to talk today, from my point of view, is not some curse that you're fighting against. I [00:02:00] do, however, believe that we are inclined to repeat negative generational patterns that have consequences.
[00:02:09] Carla Arges: We are genetically predisposed, predisposed, I can't say that word, predisposed. Oh, my goodness. I'm not even going to edit this guys. You know what I'm trying to say. Um. To certain behaviors as kids, what we grew up with in our environment, what was modeled to us inevitably becomes our pattern of behavior unless we make a conscious decision and effort to change it, we have to decide.
[00:02:47] Carla Arges: To be a cycle breaker and guys, we see these patterns of generational patterns, even in the Bible. And this happens for good and for bad, [00:03:00] right? David battled lust. What was Solomon? He was lustful. He had 700 wives that, that, that generational negative behavior passed on. Jacob cheated his father or tended to be his brother.
[00:03:20] Carla Arges: And what happened? His son cheated him when it came to Joseph and telling a lie to him about Joseph. And then on the other side, we see Hannah. She disciplined herself. She sought the Lord. And Samuel became a great prophet. Or Mordecai. He raised Esther to love God and love her people. That she acted in that love when she was queen, right?
[00:03:53] Carla Arges: Generational patterns continue, we see this in the way of thinking, [00:04:00] right? Have you ever seen that? Oftentimes, for example, poverty continues through the generations. A lot of that has to do with behaviors and mindsets that People repeat rather than breaking free, or we see addiction. Not only is that genetically predisposed, Oh, why do I keep trying to say that word?
[00:04:30] Carla Arges: Not only is it genetically in your makeup, but it is behaviorally reinforced that, Oh, this is where I come from. This is what I do. And I don't know how you may have seen it in your own life and how it's playing out in your family's life. Maybe for you, you had to earn your worth from your parents and you're somehow passing that belief on to your kids through your own perfectionism and need [00:05:00] to constantly be productive, that you put those same, same pressures.
[00:05:07] Carla Arges: On your kids to make your kids feel like they have to earn their worth, earn their value, and you don't believe that inside, but your behaviors that you are repeating is telling them a different message. Maybe your parents yelled a lot. Or withdrew love as punishment. That was a huge for me. I got iced out, not talked to for days.
[00:05:34] Carla Arges: A bit of raged and then iced out. How do you act? Do you blow your top? Do you withhold love? You know, maybe this even comes with how you punish your kids. I know that I was corporately punished as a kid growing up, even well past you would think an age appropriate [00:06:00] time. And I remember a couple of times when Caleb was a toddler, smacking his hand.
[00:06:10] Carla Arges: I don't feel good about that. That wasn't a choice that I made with conscious, mindful thinking. That was a reaction based on how I was parented. It was a reaction. It was me losing control. My parents never had control over their emotions, and I have come and been a product of not having control over my emotions.
[00:06:35] Carla Arges: And that's negative, and it has a negative impact on our family. I remember one time, in a fit of rage, Looming over Caleb yelling, and I remember, and I've shared this story on the podcast before, I remember so clearly the look of fear in his eyes, and I remembered in that moment so clearly of having that same look of fear in my eyes as a [00:07:00] child towards my parents.
[00:07:02] Carla Arges: And that broke my heart and that was a wake up call to me that generational patterns had to change. I had to become a cycle breaker. And, you know, I have dealt with guilt and shame about the first few years of Caleb's life. Um, and I have released that to God. So I want to encourage you right now, if you're sitting there and you're like, wow, that's me.
[00:07:28] Carla Arges: I'm repeating generational patterns that are negative, they're destructive. I want you to know that there is forgiveness in Christ, that there is no condemnation, but there is. Upon realization, our responsibility to change, I had that realization, so I had a responsibility to change. So this is your wake up call, friends, that if you are repeating negative, toxic [00:08:00] generational patterns, it is time to be a cycle breaker.
[00:08:03] Carla Arges: It is time to change the trajectory over your generations. Your legacy, and it can happen. It's not too late. I don't care where you are in your motherhood journey. It is not too late. If your kids are full grown, it is not too late to say. I did it wrong and it changes today is not too late to go to your kids and ask their forgiveness and show them change and show them how they can change if they're in the process of repeating the same generational patterns.
[00:08:45] Carla Arges: Okay. So how do you change? What are the four steps? Carla? Let's get to it. I feel convicted. I'm convicted. I don't want to. My childhood for my children, what do I got to do to change? The [00:09:00] first thing is you have to recognize and acknowledge your destructive behavior. In Proverbs 28, 13, it says, he that covereth his sin shall not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them shall have mercy.
[00:09:17] Carla Arges: You have to recognize and acknowledge it. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Have you heard that before? If you keep sweeping your behavior under a rug, or if you keep justifying it, I lived in that space for a long time. I justified my behavior. I had a hard childhood. Things were hard. I lived on the streets.
[00:09:42] Carla Arges: You know, all this, this is the reason why I am, and I sat in my justification for how I was rather than declaring, but this is not how I'm going to be going forward. I abdicated [00:10:00] responsibility and sat as a victim to my circumstances. Well, this is all I knew. Therefore, this is all I can become wrong, wrong, because in Christ, we know better in Christ.
[00:10:13] Carla Arges: We know more. So you have to recognize and acknowledge your destructive behavior. Next you have to learn new coping strategies, guys. What you're doing is not working. I had to learn how to emotionally regulate myself, something that my parents still to this day have trouble doing. I had to learn how to emotionally regulate myself so that I wasn't acting.
[00:10:45] Carla Arges: On emotion, but I was acting in wisdom and discernment and grace and compassion and mercy because that's what our children need. They don't need our wrath. They don't need our rage. They don't need our impatience. [00:11:00] That does not help their development. That does not create secure attachment. So I had to learn new coping skills.
[00:11:09] Carla Arges: You 4, it says fathers. But ladies, this applies to us to do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Do not provoke your kids and not just to anger. Do not provoke your kids to be disheartened. Do not provoke your kids to think less of themselves.
[00:11:31] Carla Arges: Do not promote your kids to be downcast. We should be lifting them up. Lifting them up, speaking to them the truth of who they are as God's children. So you have to learn new coping strategies. Maybe that means going to therapy. Maybe that means going on Amazon and getting yourself a workbook on CBT or DBT.
[00:11:58] Carla Arges: I am a huge fan of DBT. [00:12:00] I am redoing a course in it right now. DBT is dialectical, um, behavioral therapy and it teaches a lot about distress tolerance, which as someone with borderline personality, I need that. Maybe you need that too. Maybe you need to learn how to tolerate the distress you feel when your children trigger you because you have unhealed wounds from your own childhood.
[00:12:27] Carla Arges: Right? When our kids trigger us, it's not about our kids. It's about our unhealed wounds. So you need to learn new coping skills. You need to go heal yourself. It's not the kid's fault. It's not the child's fault if you're triggered. That is on you, friend. You have to heal. You have to learn how to cope with the stress.
[00:12:54] Carla Arges: Three. Know God's word. We just [00:13:00] did a bonus episode on how to get into the word. You need to know God's word. Second Timothy three, 16 to 17 says all scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching for reproof, for correction and training in righteousness. Why? That the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.
[00:13:28] Carla Arges: Every good work, mama, includes being. The nurturer in your household, being the mom, being the wife, knowing God's word instructs us in Christian living. Knowing God's word teaches us how we can be better moms. Knowing God's word tells us the behaviors that we should see in our life. How we get the fruit of our spirit.
[00:13:59] Carla Arges: If you are [00:14:00] living in the fruits of the spirit in your life, let me tell you, you are breaking generational patterns. The fruit of the spirit is not alive and well in toxic, dysfunctional generational patterns. So you have to know the word of God and appropriate it in your life, right? We're not just talking about head knowledge.
[00:14:22] Carla Arges: We're talking about storing the word of God in your heart so that it pours out in your action. So it pours out in your words. Head knowledge is not enough. Hey, when Jesus was tempted in the wilderness, the devil used the word of God at him. He twisted it, but he knew it enough to twist it. Head knowledge is not enough.
[00:14:49] Carla Arges: You have to plant it in your heart. And fourth thing, you have to pray for the next generation. You have to pray for the [00:15:00] next generation. Pray that they will be healed from whatever wounds have been inflicted on them before you were a cycle breaker. Pray that they would know Jesus and walk in his way and walk in his will.
[00:15:17] Carla Arges: Pray. That they will be men and women of God. You have to pray for the next generation. Job prayed over his children. The Israelites prayed over their children. Mary and Joseph prayed over Jesus. You gotta pray over the next generation. Listen, none of this is easy. Because in order to break the generational patterns in your family, you have to do the inner work to heal.
[00:15:50] Carla Arges: You have to do the inner work to learn new behaviors. I'm not saying that's easy, but I am saying it's possible. And [00:16:00] I am saying it's necessary because our kids deserve better than our brokenness. Can I get an amen? Our kids deserve better than our brokenness. So let's be cycle breakers. My affirming truth for you today is I am not my parents.
[00:16:23] Carla Arges: I will change the trajectory of my family by changing my behavior. And we're looking to second Corinthians 517. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things are passed away. Behold, new things have come. Your old way of relating to your kids, your own way of being stuck in. In toxic dysfunction, your old way of reacting based on your triggers is gone.
[00:16:55] Carla Arges: You are a new creation. You have the Holy spirit in you. God [00:17:00] is calling you to hire. God is calling you to hire. So you need to acknowledge where you're at. Do the inner work for healing, learning new coping skills, get into the word so the fruit of the spirit will be manifest in your life and in your family and pray, pray over the next generation that in their comings and in their goings, God would be with them and around them before them.
[00:17:32] Carla Arges: You, my friend, are a cycle breaker. You have it in you, by the power of the Holy Spirit, alive and at work in you. You just gotta do it. You just gotta take that step forward. Won't you do that today, friend?
[00:17:55] Carla Arges: Thanks for joining me today. I hope we're already friends on social media, [00:18:00] but if we're not, come find me on Instagram at Karla Arges or at Affirming Truth. Can't wait to see you back here next week. Bye, friends!