S1 E9 - Generational Trauma
In this episode Carla recounts the moment she knew she was going to pass on her trauma to her son, and what she did to change the trajectory.
Recognizing Patterns
Carla shares a personal story of realizing she was repeating patterns of trauma, negatively impacting her son.
Acknowledging the hurt we experienced in the past is crucial for breaking the cycle.
Responsibility for Healing
While not responsible for past traumas, as adults, we become responsible for our healing.
Breaking generational trauma requires intentional efforts and a commitment to change.
Breaking the Chains
Carla emphasizes the importance of choosing healing and not remaining stuck in destructive patterns.
Taking ownership, seeking therapy, and learning new coping skills are pivotal steps in breaking the chains.
Faith in Action
Time alone doesn't heal wounds; active faith and intentional steps towards healing are essential.
Faith is not passive; it involves seeking help, confronting trauma, and renewing the mind.
Choosing Hope
The power to make new choices is always present.
Choosing hope, healing, and a different future for ourselves and future generations is within our grasp.
Choose to move, take action, and seek the resources available for healing. Break the chains and restore wholeness to your family. God goes with you, fighting for victory against the enemies of your past.
Affirming Truth - I can break generational chains in the name of Jesus.
Connect With Carla:
Inquire about 1:1 coaching ---> carlaagreswellness@gmail.com
Join In His Image Wellness Collective ---> carlaargeswellness@gmail.com
Come hangout on IG with me @carlaarges
Check out the blog
TRANSCRIPT
[00:00:00] Carla: Hey friends, welcome to Affirming Truths. I'm your friend and host, Karla Arges. This show is a safe place to share our struggles, grow in faith, and root our identity in Christ. My hope is that you will leave each episode feeling encouraged in your journey. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode, and it would mean the world to me if you would leave a review.
[00:00:30] Carla: I am so glad you're here. Let's get started.
[00:00:39] Carla: Hey friends, it's Carla here. I remember once, with a lot of grief, back when Caleb was around four or five, me going into a rage and hovering over him [00:01:00] with fiery anger, being physically explosive. And I remember him looking up at me with fear in his eyes. He didn't feel safe. He didn't feel secure. In that moment, I was not his safe place.
[00:01:23] Carla: I was not a safe person. And in his eyes in that moment. I saw what I had felt growing up and I realized I was repeating a pattern and it cut me to the core that I was creating for my son. The trauma that I had grown up with cut me. Today I want to talk about generational trauma [00:02:00] and how we pass our maladaptive behaviors and patterns down to our Children.
[00:02:09] Carla: When we refuse to take ownership over them, we pass on our hurt to our children and they get stuck in a cycle of destructive behavior. It's not a fun conversation to have. It's hard to admit that we are traumatizing our kids. It's hard to admit that we are allowing our past circumstance to have so much power into our present.
[00:02:43] Carla: But if we are going to break the generational chains, if we are going to break generational trauma, we have to get uncomfortable and we have to address it. We have to [00:03:00] listen. You are not responsible for what happened to you. You are not responsible for the traumas that you've had, but friend. Now, as an adult, you do become responsible for your healing.
[00:03:22] Carla: You do become responsible for breaking the chain and stopping. Trauma from being passed down from generation to generation, you are responsible for that. And man, that feels like a heavy responsibility. But can I tell you, when I saw the fear in my son's eyes, I knew, I knew in my spirit, something had to change.
[00:03:54] Carla: I knew it was going to be hard, but what I was living then was hard [00:04:00] being volatile. Being hurtful with my words, going into rages, I was becoming my parents. I was creating the same environment of fear and insecurity, and that is not what I wanted for my son. That is not the legacy. I wanted to give him and friend.
[00:04:28] Carla: I know that if you are stuck in your trauma right now and you're passing it on, I know that's not what you want. And that's not God's best for you. Our God is a God of healing. Our God is a God of restoration. Our God is a God of redemption, but he's also a God that works in partnership with us. That means that we have a role and responsibility to play.[00:05:00]
[00:05:01] Carla: You may have been a victim as a child, you may have been a victim in your youth, you may have been a victim to something horrible, but that does not mean that you can't turn around and live a victorious life in Christ. Are you allowing yourself to stay the victim and in doing so, victimize others? That's a big question.
[00:05:41] Carla: Are you repeating patterns of destructive behavior, destructive to you and destructive to the relationships around you?
[00:05:54] Carla: Do you find yourself repeating those patterns?[00:06:00]
[00:06:02] Carla: Do you find yourself
[00:06:07] Carla: hating yourself over your behavior and yet you can't really seem to break out of it? Listen, trauma rewires our minds. We absolutely get stuck in negative patterns of behavior. We absolutely get stuck psychologically and physiologically. In trauma. I'm reading this amazing book right now about the body keeps score and how our brains literally change and trauma.
[00:06:42] Carla: My borderline personality disorder is an effect that trauma has had on my brain.
[00:06:52] Carla: I can't control that. But what I can control [00:07:00] is seeking out healing. What I can control. is seeking out the breaking of the pattern. What I can do is take ownership over my behavior as ingrained and automatic as it has become from my trauma. I can take ownership on rewiring my mind. I can take ownership on new, uh, learning new ways to cope.
[00:07:38] Carla: I can take ownership on healing from my trauma.
[00:07:45] Carla: And that's what we need to do to break off the generational chains of trauma. That's what we need to do to create safe and loving and secure environments for our [00:08:00] children. We have to break The habits, we have to take ownership over our behavior and that can be hard to do if you're stuck in a victim mindset.
[00:08:13] Carla: If you're stuck in, why me? Why me? Why me? If you're stuck in, in, in unforgiveness, if you're stuck in needing revenge, if you're stuck, notice the pattern here stuck, if you are stuck, it's because you are choosing right now not to move. And I know that that's a hard statement, because it often feels like it's not a choice.
[00:08:42] Carla: I get that, and I've lived through that. It often feels like it's not a choice to repeat the behaviors, because it's the only thing that you know. But friend, I'm here to tell you. That it is a choice. It is a choice. And [00:09:00] you can choose freedom. You can choose healing. And it's not easy to walk through the healing process of trauma.
[00:09:12] Carla: I'm still going through it. I still get triggered. I'm still learning. But I had to look outside of myself and find the tools and the resources. Listen, I can't heal myself from trauma. And I know sometimes in the Christian community, we want to bring it all down to faith. God is the great physician. God can heal us.
[00:09:35] Carla: Yes, he absolutely can. But he has also given us resources for us to walk alongside in the healing process. Yes. We could read the Bible on our own, but he's also given us great Bible teachers to help us learn the Bible, right? He brings [00:10:00] into our pathway resources and teachers and experts to help give us the tools to help give us the insights to help give us the resources.
[00:10:10] Carla: So I'm not suggesting that healing from trauma is something you do on your own. I'm suggesting though that it's a choice that you make to move out of being stuck. That you reach out to therapy. And it doesn't have to be Christian therapy. My therapist is not a Christian therapist. I needed a therapist who specialized in trauma.
[00:10:36] Carla: I needed a therapist who was well versed with borderline personality and bipolar. I needed a therapist that could teach me the skills and help me work through trauma. And we do incredible trauma work together. She uses. a therapy modality called ART, accelerated response therapy, and [00:11:00] it is a gold standard in trauma therapy, and it has been so healing.
[00:11:08] Carla: It's been hard, but we have to choose our heart. Do we want the heart of staying stuck, or do we want the heart of facing those demons and going to battle for our future? And for the future of our children,
[00:11:29] Carla: I want to choose that heart. I don't want the heart of staying stuck. I don't want the heart of being the one that victimizes my children. I don't want the heart of being the one that sets them up for, for their own trauma challenges in life. No, I want the heart of healing. I want the heart of confronting my demons.
[00:11:52] Carla: I want the heart. Changing my behaviors and can I tell you, [00:12:00] God has been so faithful, he has been so faithful in leading me down a very confusing path of medication and therapy and taking ownership and living a victorious life. He has been so gracious. In enabling me by his spirit to take those brave steps, and God wants to enable you by his spirit to do the same, but you have to move.
[00:12:38] Carla: You have to move. You can be a victor in your life. You are not destined to be a victim just because of your past, just because of your childhood, just because of that thing that happened to you that never should have happened to you, but did you don't have to [00:13:00] stay a victim to your circumstance, and you certainly don't have to set up your family to be victims of it as well.
[00:13:10] Carla: You can break the chain in Christ Jesus and taking that brave step of seeking out therapy, of seeking out medication, of seeking out healthy coping skills and rebuilding trust with your children. I am so happy to say today that I know I'm a safe place for Caleb. That's not where the relationship started.
[00:13:36] Carla: That's not where it started. I've had to do the hard work and what's been amazing is not only am I not repeating patterns of trauma to my own child, I am equipping him through my own coping skills learning on how he can cope in life. I am setting [00:14:00] him up to be a far more functional adult than I ever was because not only did I break the chains of trauma, I'm learning and I'm growing and I'm passing that down to him.
[00:14:14] Carla: Instead, the legacy that he's going to get is not going to be rage and hurt and victimhood. The legacy he's going to have is safety and security and confidence in Christ and love and healing and support. That's going to be the legacy. And that's, what's going to pass on through the generations. And I am so proud of the hard work that I've done, and I'm so grateful to God for enabling me to do that.
[00:14:52] Carla: When I came to the end of myself and I cried out to God, God, help me, [00:15:00] help me. And he has helped me.
[00:15:09] Carla: Friend, if you are stuck in a cycle of trauma, you need to reach out. and get unstuck. No one can do that for you. And I know that there's this expression that time heals all wounds. And frankly, I don't think that's true. More time away from your trauma does not heal it. Confronting the trauma. Re learning adaptive skills, re learning coping skills, that is what heals, pressing into Christ, releasing it to him, and then doing the hard work of [00:16:00] renewing your mind.
[00:16:01] Carla: That's what heals. Time lets it fester. Time passes it down to the next generation. It's not time that heals all wounds. It's faith in action. Faith in action. Are you taking action to get unstuck? Are you taking action to ensure that you are not passing on hurt to your children? Are you taking action for the generations to come?
[00:16:44] Carla: That instead of knowing the fear of their parents, they will know the love and grace of God.
[00:16:53] Carla: Are you taking the action?
[00:16:59] Carla: This is such a [00:17:00] big conversation, and there's so many layers to this, but I can tell you where it starts is with choice. If you are continuing to stay stuck in maladaptive behaviors. You are choosing that. That is a hard truth to swallow. But friend, if I can encourage you, at any given moment, you have the ability to make a new choice.
[00:17:35] Carla: You have the ability to choose hope. You have the ability to choose healing. You have the ability to choose a future for you and your kids and the generations to come. And as you take that action, God will be with you as you take that action, [00:18:00] he will enable you to walk through the hardness of confronting trauma.
[00:18:07] Carla: He will enable you to learn new coping skills. He will enable you to rewrite the trajectory. If your future, that's the goodness of God. And I want to encourage you to choose that today. It's hard. It's scary. It's unknown, but it's the only thing that will get you unstuck. And once you choose to make that step of faith towards healing, you don't do it alone.
[00:18:50] Carla: You don't do it alone. Yes. God will be with you, but you can also find a [00:19:00] community of chain breakers in your life. You can reach out to me,
[00:19:08] Carla: but you gotta choose to move. You gotta choose to get unstuck. You gotta go to battle for your future.
[00:19:22] Carla: And the affirming truth today is I can break generational chains in the name of Jesus. And we read in Deuteronomy 24, 20 verse four, for the Lord, your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. But notice it says, God is the one who goes with you. You have to go, you have to move, you have to choose, you have to act, [00:20:00] but then he is faithful to fight for you.
[00:20:04] Carla: Against the enemies of your past. Against the sorrows of trauma and he will give you victory to break those chains and restore wholeness To your family. I believe in you friend. I believe you can get unstuck. You just need to choose it this day I'll talk to you soon
[00:20:39] Carla: Thanks for joining me today I hope we're already friends on social media, but if we're not, come find me on Instagram at Carla Arges or at Affirming Truth. Can't wait to see you back here next week. Bye friends![00:21:00]